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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Only Hurts Until You Man Up and Get Over It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan’s Tough Dad March 1, 2015 Let me take you back. It’s 1983. I have a full head of hair and a BMI of 24. I’m preparing to go to the qualifying…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Politically Incorrect UChicago Pogroms Draws Mixed Response

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie April 19, 2013 Since its first post earlier this week, new Facebook page Politically Incorrect UChicago Pogroms has caused quite a stir. Having already sustained heavy criticism and support from…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study Finds Overheard At UChicago Most Calm, Neutral Discussion Forum

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape May 2, 2016 A new University of Chicago Department of Sociology study has found that the Facebook group “Overheard at UChicago” is, in fact, the University’s most neutral, objective group…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Urine-leaking Box Surprisingly Does Not Contain Puppy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 26, 2014 When he entered his living room on Christmas morning, Tommy Harrison found that the urine-leaking box under his tree did not, in fact, contain a puppy. Tommy,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    President Pardons Two Turduckens in Thanksgiving Ritual

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matt Montequin Nov. 13, 2012 President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    February Prospie Not Present at April Overnight

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger April 20, 2017 February Prospie Not present at April Overnight Sources within the University of Chicago have confirmed that February overnight attendee Stewart Lawson was not present for either of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Intercourse Week

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Jan. 24, 2016

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Things White People Need to Stop Doing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 13, 2014 1. Moaning 2. Rattling chains 3. Levitating objects 4. Seeking vengeance from beyond the grave. 5. Reminding me of my late great-aunt. 6. Replacing the milk in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Rahul Gupta Dec. 5, 2018 Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global…

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  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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