By Troy Sharp Nov. 2, 2018   A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels…

By Jack Toole Jan. 17, 2017 Although I have nothing but admiration for my Paleolithic forebears, I have no desire to share in their ways. Rising early to hunt mammoths, fight cave bears,…

By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 Following a string of reports from students and other University of Chicago community members claiming to have witnessed the event firsthand, college the Dean of the College,…

By Noah Lemelson (year 2116) Jan. 22, 2014 Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first…

By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…

By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…

By Pseudonym? Oct. 21, 2015 According to recent reports, a thing that you have just seen, which should, by all accounts, be considered deeply strange, is somehow continuing to be arousing despite all…

By Becky Stoner Nov. 9, 2013 “It’s like you took Locks of Love and No Shave November, mashed them together in a blender on ICE setting, and came up with the charity Alopecians…

By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1871 As Chicago struggles to recover from the devastation wrought by the recent inferno, the city was struck once again by tragedy, albeit a far sillier…

By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…