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Exposed: The 55th Street Fire Station is Actually a Police Station
By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…
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Your Favorite Presidential Candidates, Reimagined as Disney Princesses
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…
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Five Sex Tips So Good, You’ll Forget You’ve Never Had a Vaginal Orgasm
By Becky Stoner April 25, 2015 1. If your man’s not getting the job done, take matters into your own hands. While he’s on top of you, grunting his way towards climax, take…
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Last Man Finishes the Oregon Trail
By Walker King April 25, 2013 As Jebidiah Sheffield staggered into the Oregon City City Hall to claim his homestead on April 17th, he officially became the last man to complete the Oregon…
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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:
By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…
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Whom, Honey
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 31, 2014 Whom when it’s the object of a sentence, babe. Who when it’s the subject. No biggie; it’s a common mistake. Just, you know, now you know. Like…
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Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico
By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that as it stands,…
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“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
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Area Man Loses Control of Sandwich
By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a…
