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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Making the Most of Your O Week-By the Office of the Dean of Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Just Drink the Damn Tea

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Te Amo Feb. 20, 2018 Te Amo Boba Bar Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”;…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Receives a Human Heart: How Will This Change the Election?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Will The Circle Be Unbroken? An Analysis of the Daytona 500

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Taylor March 1, 2015 RACING. FAST. CAR BOYS. FAST. RACING. AMEN. The 2015 Cup Series rumbled to life this past weekend with the Daytona 500, as NASCAR fans around the country…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Skrillex Performs at USO Unmanned Drone Tour

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Feb. 25, 2013 The USO Tour today staged the latest in a legendary series of musical and comedic performances for those serving the United States in military efforts overseas, in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Questionable Purchases

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Aug. 25, 2017 It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape.; Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Bouncing Leg Up and Down Shows No Sign of Stopping

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 23, 2016 SourcesStudents in Professor Pierce Jackson’s SOSC 113 class informed confirmed that fellow studenttThe Dealer that student Graham Larson began bouncing his right leg up and down at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What Has Become of Serious Journalism?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ariana Huffington Nov. 26, 2014 As the founder and editor-in-chief of a well-respected news outlet, I’ve always believed in the power of journalists to stand as watchmen for democracy. A healthy fourth…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Fatty Learns Chinese Through Fortune Cookies

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie Nov. 11, 2012 Area man Jack Yarborough discovered this week an unexpected and unintended benefit to his Chinese take-out habit: learning Chinese. By his estimates, the 340-pound Mr. Yarborough must…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…

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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.

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