Professor Who Takes Ten Weeks to Grade Papers Shocked by Late Assignment

Extremely tenured Professor Elbridge Stenton was deeply offended on Monday when a student submitted an assignment one day late. 

“Deadlines are sacred,” said Stenton, who has not yet graded the assignments submitted during the Carter administration – the first one. “They teach students discipline, something many of them clearly lack.” 

Alumna Rachel Lin explained, “It’s been really frustrating for me because I spent so long on this essay and I’m still waiting for my grade back.” She graduated in 2000. 

“I turned in my midterm in December,” said second-year Maya Santos. “I’ve emailed him three times since, but he said he’s still ‘absorbing the nuances.’ It was a Scantron.” Santos has since switched her major to Theoretical Mathematics because “it’s the same math I was doing to guess my grade.” 

One student attempted to file a formal complaint. The Office of Student Life replied: “We take allegations of timelessness very seriously. Processing time is currently estimated at ten semesters.”