10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
It’s officially cuffing season! But as we know at the University of Chicago, some things are better in theory than in practice, and it’s hard to maintain a loving relationship when you have a midterm every week. So here are some tips to fill that aching hole in your heart.
- Buy a Piece of Focaccia
What’s better than carbs and oil? Available at coffee shops across campus, massive hunks of focaccia are the perfect treat as the weather cools down, the leaves start to fall, and your broken heart is torn to shreds and stomped on… After all, Harper Café is for lovers!
- Drop a Class
Nothing beats the orgasmic high that comes with setting your progress through the Core back a quarter. It might be too late to drop a class now, but that “Withdraw” button is serenading you. Especially because you don’t have anyone pestering you about your academics anymore…or someone to hold you close at night…
- Go Apple Picking
Almost every dorm on campus is hosting a trip to some orchard or another! Gorge yourself on cider, donuts, and fall vibes. I’m at an apple orchard right now, surrounded by couples taking photos and holding hands. But they don’t understand the freedom of–wait, is that… who’s that schmuck with her?
- Throw Rocks at Tour Groups
Pick your least favorite tour guide! Maybe they were annoying in class. Maybe they told you they’d love you forever and then started fucking your roommate. Whatever crime they committed, learn their schedule and make their tours a living hell. Maybe you can make a quip about John D. Rock-efeller, huh, Jennifer? I bet that’ll crack up the bleeding 11th-graders.
- Cry Under Hull Gate in the Rain
Self-explanatory! Nothing more cathartic to do on a Friday night than concern late-night joggers and sit in an echo-chamber of your own anguish.
- Schedule a Counseling Appointment Through Student Wellness
Just one, though. Because apparently emotional connection has a strict limit.
- Go to Coffee Shops and Stare at the Wall
Just because you can’t afford any more focaccia after spending all your Maroon Dollars on cough syrup and aerosol cheese cans doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy everything UChicago’s coffee shop culture has to offer. Staring into space is even better than therapy–especially if you bring an Owala filled with lean.
- Enjoy Views of the Skyline
If a coffee shop doesn’t suit your mood, the fifth floor of the Reg offers an amazing view of the Chicago skyline, and it’s filled with people who are just as miserable as you are.
- Sell Your Soul re: Recruiting Season
You know what, screw this. This city is filled with people who are alone, abandoned, and miserable but they’re different in one key way: they have money. That’s right–goodbye Romance Languages, hello Business Economics! I’ll show you who doesn’t have any drive, Jennifer. You’ll see just how successful I can become, Jennifer. Who needs women, anyway? All bitches do is distract you from the grind.
10. IDK, Carve Pumpkins or Some Shit
