President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
FIJI HOUSE—After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed out on the lawn. The frat tasked two pledges to poke the blacked-out president and get him out of his drunken stupor. After failing, they were forced to carry him to his house near Rockefeller Chapel.
The University administration responded to this news with the following statement: “We are happy to announce the University of Chicago has officially lost its title as ‘where fun goes to die’ since our president has so much of it.”
Upon waking up at 4pm, Alivisatos wrote a 37-page email about the university’s mission and his excitement to remain for another four years.
Elliot Florack
A guy who knows very little about whats happening around him but loves to make jokes about what he does know. Open to discussing past or future articles and can be found trying to lock in at the Harper reading room. Warning: will attempt to give everyone high fives.
