Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Tragedy has cast a pall over UChicago’s recent rise to #6 on US News’ Best Colleges Ranking. Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful students of Northwestern University, who published a video showing Phil bound to a chair in a dimly lit room.
“SKREEE! SKREEE! SKREEE!” Phil says in the video. Due to recent budget cuts to the Department of Mythical Avian Languages, the University had to rely on the notoriously unreliable Phoenix-to-English Google Translate to understand what Phil was saying.
The online tool offered two possibilities: “Tell US News to do a recount before it’s too late!” or “I am taking the orange crocodile to the beach!” The University is opting for the second translation and has invited Northwestern’s students to bring their orange crocodiles to Promontory Point on Saturday to negotiate Phil’s release. At press time, Northwestern has not replied.
The University is urging its students to remain calm. At a Phree Phil vigil Wednesday night, Alivisatos told the crowds, “Rest assured that the University is doing all it can to bring our beloved Phil home.”
An unidentified student then interrupted Alivisatos, shouting, “Even if it means letting Northwestern have the #6 spot?”
Alivisatos’s face flushed red in what his office later explained was an act of solidarity with the phoenix community. After stuttering incomprehensibly for a few seconds, he finally replied, “Look, we aren’t sure that’s what Phil was really saying, all right? And even if we’re using the wrong translation, what can Northwestern do to Phil, anyway? Worst case scenario, he’ll just be reborn from his own ashes! They clearly didn’t think this plan through, the pompous little snotballs. But then again, we can’t be too hard on them. They are only the #7 university in the nation, after all.”
