UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
LEVI HALL—University administrators are reportedly in a state of panic following the inexplicable disappearance of UChicago’s treasured Vitality Crystals.
The disappearance, which has not been confirmed publicly, was reported to The Dealer by three sources with knowledge of the situation. “We don’t know where the crystals are,” said one of these individuals, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We don’t know where they are. We don’t know. We don’t fucking know. We don’t know where the Vitality Crystals are. We don’t know. We don’t know where they are. We don’t. We don’t know.”
Another of the three confirmed that there were as yet no leads as to where the Vitality Crystals might have gone, adding, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
The Vitality Crystals, long seen as the key to UChicago’s continued existence, are stored in a highly secure location known only to a small number of University Trustees. The Dealer’s sources speculated that the thief may have been someone who is good at guessing where things are and who knows how to pick locks and things like that.
When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”
Without the Vitality Crystals, experts believe the University and everyone associated with it may crumble into an enormous pile of damp sand, or that all the buildings may go wobbly. “We’ll just have to see what happens,” said Hipple Zazzag, the University’s Chief Sorcerer.
At press time, the Mist of Ill Fortune was rolling across campus, while the entire student body was overheard moaning uncontrollably.
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
