Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
SALT LAKE CITY—Following the recent announcement that Utah would ban adding fluoride to tap water, Spencer Cox, Governor of Utah, has announced a further change to the state’s water supply, declaring that the state’s water supply will be fully replaced by electrolytes.
“I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more! I mean, who wants to drink water anyway? Instead, we’re gonna use electrolytes, ‘cause that’s what plants crave, brought to you by Carl’s Jr,” the governor announced.
The plan has seen large amounts of resistance by the Utahn public, with some citizens arguing that this would create salts that would destroy plants in the state. In fact, a number of electrolyte suppliers have refused to sign contracts with Utah, over fears of negative publicity. However, rumors suggest that a relatively small startup, Brawndo, is willing to sign a historic agreement that would change its fate, along with the one of Utahn citizens.
This is not the only change happening in Utah. Yesterday morning, a state judge rejected the Governor’s attempt to change his name and title to Prezident Spencer “Mountain Dew” Camacho, as Mountain Dew claimed copyright infringement. However, a representative from Dr. Pepper has reached out to the Governor to take the place of Mountain Dew in his chosen name, and the Governor will announce his decision within the following week.
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
