Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells
This past Saturday, Associate Vice President for Safety and Security Eric M. Heath sent a standard safety email following a local incident. Though Heath intended the email exclusively for the student body, a number of no-goods, tricksters, and black hats were accidentally CC’d as well. This slip-up happened mere days after headlines swirled regarding national security adviser Michael Waltz’s Signal chat debacle.
Unfortunately, Heath’s email contained classified information that could possibly benefit such wrongdoers. The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are “for show.” The email also included information about UChicago security’s hourly “changing of the guard” ceremony, which involves a lengthy dance number, as well as information on foods security guards could be fed to put them into a conveniently deep sleep.
The next day, Eric M. Heath sent out an email that reads as follows:
Security Alert
The below narrative contains information regarding a Robbery that was reported to the University of Chicago Police Department.
At approximately 9:50 a.m., Saturday, March 29, 2025 – A student walking on the sidewalk at approximately 1100 E. 58th Street was approached by two unknown subjects who exited “some kind of old time-y convertible with polka dots on it.” The suspects, wearing fedoras and a glasses/mustache combination disguise, struck the victim and demanded property, saying, “Hey you! Gimme your treasure and get outta here!” The victim attempted to get the attention of a nearby security guard, but they were in the midst of a complex pirouette sequence as part of a Changing of the Guard ritual. Reluctantly, the victim was forced to present the criminals with two 24 karat gold bars that he was carrying in his breast pocket. The victim declined medical attention. The University of Chicago Police Department is investigating this incident.
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