If you’re anything like me, your lifelong dream is to make it in this town. You want to be somebody. You want to join the big leagues. You want to live the American dream and give Lady Luck a big, slobbery kiss on the cheek. But to have even half a snowball’s chance in hell of any of that stuff happening, you’re gonna want to make friends with these six caricature artists.

Martin “The Mushroom” Womble

Martin’s been working as a caricature artist in this town for eighty-three years, having gotten his big break drawing caricatures of returning soldiers hoping to let off steam after the Battle of the Bulge. No one can remember how Martin ended up with the nickname “The Mushroom,” although it’s generally thought to have been some sort of convoluted joke about Catholics. Martin is not only one of the most experienced caricature artists alive, he also has extensive connections in local business, politics, and drug trafficking, and his friendship is of paramount importance if you’re going anywhere in this town.

Melissa Belissa Kelissa

Melissa insists that Melissa Belissa Kelissa is her real, legal name, which can’t possibly be true. Noses, teeth, eyebrows—the long and short of it is, she draws faces that are fucked up and comical to a maximal extent, and you’re gonna need her in your inner circle if you want to make something of yourself instead of languishing as an absolute zero for your entire life.

Quicksand Quentin

Quicksand Quentin was my first love. We met in the summer of 1991 at a county fair, and from the moment I set eyes on him, I understood how beauty could have levelled Troy. For three months we were inseparable; for three months I had proof that Heaven was not a lie. Our final night together was a hurricane of pure, ecstatic pleasure that unmasked us both as animals and angels. When he left that morning, it shattered my heart irrevocably, but I have never regretted a second that we shared, because his love redeemed me, and with me, the world. He’s also a very well regarded caricature artist, and you should really make his acquaintance if you want to get ahead.

Mitt Romney

“Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good. While he may have started out as a mayor or something, he’s spent years honing his caricaturitorial skills and is now the “best in the biz,” or up there at least. He’s an absolutely essential friend to have if you want to make it in this town. Just make sure you don’t come to him until you’ve already made it a little bit in this town, because if you’re poor, he’ll be able to sense it the minute he sees you, and it will make him vomit uncontrollably. And that’s awful.

Scrobbles the Cat

Who knew cats could draw caricatures??? Well, they can’t; Scrobbles is the only one. Scientists still don’t know what the heck is going on with that, but they can all agree that he’s sick as fuck, and so will you. If you’re not a brainless imbecile, you’ll be jumping at the chance to befriend Scrobbles. Use him as your one-way ticket to Easy Street, then you can kick his mangy feline ass to the curb. Haha, just kidding. Don’t tell Scrobbles I said that. Seriously, keep it quiet.

Griffin Bonnin Jones

+ posts

Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.

Griffin Bonnin Jones

You May Also Like

People Names Luigi Mangione Sexiest Assassin of the Year

Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner

Frat Cites Disparities in Alcohol Access as Reason to Become Hazing-Optional