Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE

This Thursday, Elon Musk unveiled his new “Ninja Branch” of the Department of Government Efficiency (also known as DOGE), which will be used to stalk government employees and report back on their activities. Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in the arts of stealth and combat and loyal only to him.

The ninjas, who have remained unseen for the entire duration of their department’s short existence, are supposedly descendants of the great Mienai Kage clan, who were allegedly wiped out during a feud with the old Dai Ōkomi clan. Musk has credited them with a number of accomplishments already, including achieving peace in the Middle East overnight, the stabilization of the American economy, and the efficient removal of several government officials found to be taking time off for “maternity leave.” When pressed for details regarding these operations, Elon remained tight-lipped and stated, “They’re like ninja guys. If you have any evidence that they exist, then they’re like… really not good ninjas. That’s how I see it anyways. Not that I see them.”

When asked for more details about how Musk came into contact with the mystical ninja clan, Musk responded, “I mean, they’ve always been here, just like… in the shadows. Waiting for their time to emerge into the light.”

The money for the new department will be taken from the old Department of Education, after Linda McMahon was found shot through the chest with an arrow.