Shady Dealer Officially Broke; Turns to Shady Dealings

In a series of events that will surprise no one, the Chicago Shady Dealer has officially declared itself broke. The newspaper has been plagued by a plethora of financial woes, such as a dwindling RSO budget, rising production costs, and an increase in undisclosed expenses, rumored to be contributions to the “Bring the Ducks Back to the Pond Foundation”.

In order to stay afloat, the Dealer’s editors have resorted to a series of shady dealings. So far, there have been reports of a copy editor selling solutions to MATH 15300 problem sets, an editor-in-chief selling amphetamines to underage students, and a deputy layout editor profiting from smuggling Russian gas into the United States in violation of sanctions imposed following the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

In response to a request for comment, Dean of the College Melina Hale was visibly shocked, stating, “I would have never thought that the Shady Dealer, such a reputable organization, would be involved in such shady dealings. This issue will be examined thoroughly.” To this day, she has not yet done anything to address these sordid transactions.