REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)
University of Chicago administrators have just confirmed, and then subsequently denied, that the beloved Botany Pond has finally reopened.
Botany Pond, one of the most hallowed places of learning on campus, has been undergoing construction for the past three years. While it was open, it was a world-class botanical facility, doubling as an outdoor classroom and a home for flora and fauna from across the globe.
At a black-tie press conference Saturday, Director of Botany Pond Improvement Matters, Terry Mosser (previously of Big Terry’s Fishtanks, A/C installation, and Accident Attorney), addressed an assembly of donors, who were hopeful that their vast contributions to the University’s pond had finally come to fruition. “I know many of you have heard that Botany Pond is set to open tonight,” Mosser said. “And I’m here to tell you, it is.”
The crowd began to applaud.
“NOT!” exclaimed Terry, ripping off his tuxedo to reveal a muscle tee that read “BP 4Ever.”
“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”
When asked for comment on the hullabaloo, Mosser told the Dealer, “Well, am I sorry? Not quite. It ended up being pretty funny. However, I am realizing that the costs of our black-tie festivities were a bit higher than anticipated, not least due to me being scammed by a crooked ice sculptor. With these developments, we may have to delay the opening for another six months from whenever we thought we were going to open the pond.”
Outside of the pond, there is currently a bucket labeled “Pond fund. Plz give.” At the moment of writing, this bucket only contains soda cans and Pret wrappers.
Although President Paul Alivasatos bolted from the room when he heard the words “Botany Pond,” we were able to catch Director of Campus Facilities Bobby Sampton to get more insight on the University’s plan. “Well, I can’t comment on the developments of Botany Pond,” said Sampton. “But,” he said with a grin, reaching into a drawer, “I can say that Terry gave me this wonderful limited-edition duck plushie.”
We also spoke to ecology Professor Diane Flemmings. “Well, I suppose Terry seems to have it under control,” she said, “He says as soon as they put in the hot tub and the diving board they’ll be ready to open. I’ve actually been caring for quite a few of the displaced ducks and plants myself, in my personal home.”
She sighed. “It’s been a little chaotic, but I’m happy to contribute however I can. I really believe in the pond. I think it’s going to be okay. That’s what I tell myself.”
To donate to this soon-to-be oasis of learning, consider venmoing @muscleterrysbeerfund71
Maisie. Maisie is an editor-in-chief. Like a well-maintained orchid, Maisie will live indefinitely. "Reach for the stars, kid." -Maisie Thompson
