Third Year Frat Brother Says He Majors in Bizcon “For the Children”

In a developing story coming out of Fiji House, frat brother Kyle Smith-Jones-Johnson III has announced that he will be majoring in business economics “for the children” (and for Goldman Sachs). 

Smith-Jones-Johnson declared that he would apply his financial acumen to the cause of disadvantaged youths. “I grew up in the outskirts of Beverly Hills, not the Hills proper, so I know what it’s like to struggle,” said Smith-Jones-Johnson. “We summered in Martha’s Vineyard, not Nantucket…if you know what I mean.”

Smith-Jones-Johnson clarified that he would donate a percentage of his future company’s earnings to children in need (or at least in want). When pressed about what his company actually does, Smith-Jones-Johnson said that while he only has “concepts of a company” he plans to “synergize key performance indicators using Phoenix AI powered tools to innovate modular systems for a rapidly changing dynamic modern world.” 

Fellow Fiji brothers Matt, Nick A, Nick B, Alex, Luke, Bret, Chet, Junior, Chet Junior, Chad, and Nick C. have been named the trustees at Kyle’s new publicly traded not-not-for-profit (501c3). “We all love Kyle so much,” the group said in unison. “He’s a classic Mother Teresa chiller.”

“He ain’t doing shit for us,” said local orphan Oliver Mickleby. However, other orphans expressed appreciation for Smith-Jones-Johnson’s willingness to lend his expertise in short-selling and insider-trading on behalf of the urchin community.