Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home

I have literally never been so upset. I just found out Phoebe Bridgers might have broken up with her boyfriend, Paul Mescal, and if Bridgescal comes to an end, I just don’t know what I could do with myself. I feel like my life is literally coming to an end, I’ve never dealt with anything like this before.

Also, dad got laid off a few months ago, and my parents are still paying off our mortgage. I thought we had savings, but I read my dad’s journal and I guess he has an enormous amount of gambling debt. He has also been taking a lot of “business trips” recently, but it looks like he’s been unemployed for a few months and has just been going to Atlantic City and paying for expensive hookers and betting my college fund on the ponies. 

But more importantly, Phoebe Bridgers and Paul Mescal need to be together! They’re the only people in my life that make me believe in true love. I refuse to believe Phoebe was with Bo Burnham, she would never, and I mean never, tarnish her love with Paul like that. Everyone who says she would is just jealous of her success. 

Also, when I asked my dad about his debt, he told me a “dumb little girl like me wouldn’t understand,” and then said some unsavory things about my mom. He also mentioned that I was being a “snitch” by reporting him to child protective services. Typical dad, am I right? Anyways, since my dad has been quirky recently, I decided to take a little self-care trip to the alley outside of Denny’s. I’ve been living out of an XL Bloomingdale’s bag for a few weeks now and tap-dancing for nickels on the street. 

I guess I haven’t eaten in the past week, but more importantly, the newsstand guy won’t give me the latest copy of People for free, so I don’t know what’s going on with Bridgescal! I can’t move on. Anyways, I guess I’m due in court in a week for some random divorce. Ugh, BORING!