Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit

In a shocking turn of events, UChicago’s highly anticipated class day speaker, Bret Stephens, has been revealed to be nothing more than 7 billion bedbugs cleverly disguised under a well-fitting suit.

The announcement came as a surprise to many students who were anticipating the conservative commentator’s speech, which was expected to touch on individualism, climate change denialism, and why free speech means you can say racist things but not call someone a bedbug. But now it seems that Stephens’ message may be overshadowed by the fact that he is secretly a colony of bedbugs.

The discovery was made after a number of students who had fallen asleep on the quad complained to Student Wellness of unexplained itching and rashes. Knowing that Bret Stephens had briefly disappeared in the quad the day before, a Student Wellness team brought him in for questioning. Upon closer inspection, the team discovered that what appeared to be a well-dressed man was, in fact, a seething mass of tiny insects.

The New York Times columnist rejected the claim, stating that he “would never feed on people’s blood while they sleep.” He then added, “but if I did, I think they should have to pay a private insurance company for bite treatment.

UChicago has announced it will take steps to prevent situations like this from recurring. Effective immediately, all speakers will be required to undergo a thorough screening process to ensure that they are not, in fact, swarms of tiny insects in disguise. The screening process has already proved successful: University of Chicago administrators found senior commencement speaker Dookie Booty to actually be 5 billion dung beetles, and famed Kafka scholar Dr. Alex Buggy to be one impressively large cockroach. 

Students who attended the ceremony are advised to seek medical attention if they experience any unusual symptoms, keep a close eye out for any suspicious trench coats, and not to sleep with Bret Stephens, even if he puts on the charms with his neoconservative foreign policy opinions.