John D. Rockefeller founds UChicago in Hopes of Creating Greatest Quizbowl Team on God’s Green Earth

CHICAGO – Oil Baron John D. Rockefeller announced today that he was founding a university in order to create “the greatest goddamn Quizbowl team in the history of mankind”. Rockefeller believes that making a quiz bowl team will increase youthful sophisticates among the United States’s general population. “Most of today’s youth listen to music like “Hot Cross Buns,” or “Pine Top’s Boogie Woogie”. They couldn’t power a tossup about the 18th century composer Joseph Martin Kraus if their life depended on it.”

Team member Horace Dogsworth, noted the significance of quizbowl. “People think America’s favorite pastime is baseball. Untrue, it’s watching people who had a hard time making friends in high school answer questions about Ulysses really fast.” 

Rockefeller also expressed hopes for his new university outside of dominating Quizbowl competitions: “It would also be nice if this school legitimized a future Chilean military dictatorship. That would be tight.”