Meet the Local Cow Named Least Likely to Burn Down City

CHICAGO — Betsy, aged five, a cow owned by Chicago resident Mrs. O’Leary, was named ‘Least Likely to Start a Massive Fire’ on Wednesday by the Mayoral Committee on Great Fire Prevention.

When reached for comment, O’Leary stated that she was “mighty proud of Betsy” and, now that the cow was newly certified not to be fire-prone, would reward her with a toasty gas lamp to accompany her through the city’s infamously brutal cold and dark nights.

Local urban planning officials remarked at the ceremony that — though the city’s road network was “poorly planned” and “in need of a redesign” — they were glad they could count on Mrs. O’Leary’s cow not to force the issue.

The Holstein also took home the city’s “Best Behaved” and “Weakest Kicker” medals. Farmers around the country seethed as their prized cows had to walk home empty-hooved.