“How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close

Following last quarter’s announcement that Bartlett Dining Commons would close for the duration of Spring Quarter, UChicago Dining announced that all dining halls but Woodlawn would be closing as well. Reportedly, administrators decided to “let Cathey breathe for a while, it’s worked hard” and to start construction on a water slide descending from the North walkway. Students living in all residence halls except for Woodlawn will be awarded ten additional Maroon Dollars and one extra meal swipe. Dean of Dining Del Ishis explained the compensation in a statement to the Dealer. “Maroon Dollars don’t grow on trees! Those things are expensive, and we’re out after giving them to Snell-Hitchcock and Max Palevsky residents.” When asked why Dining was closing three halls at the same time, Ishis responded, “we were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”

Woodlawn has been building seawalls to keep out the expected surge of diners. Students have been advised to visit dining halls at non-peak hours like 6am or 4am. According to the last report, Campus North residents were setting up an illegal bakery in the basement, because “we have to fend for ourselves if the school won’t feed us.”