You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing
FROM THE SHADY DEALER MASTHEAD MONASTERY — As an institution that is unafraid to tell the truth about when we’ve republished work from peer newspapers, The Shady Dealer must come to terms with the recent happenings on campus. So yes: we used a psychic to predict The Maroon’s COVID-19 retrospective so that we could publish it first. We are proud of our creative solutions to contemporary problems, such as overcoming obstacles to satirize what doesn’t exist, but with that pride comes a responsibility to be upfront about our sources.
Over the years, we have tried to take inspiration from such literary publishers as Sliced Bread, The Harvard Crimson, and The Alcatraz Review (Alcatraz’s inmate-run newspaper, now defunct). However, our readership declined severely after publishing from these works, as they were seen as too serious. Thus, we have dedicated our forces exclusively to divining what the Maroon will publish and beating them to the punch. So, without further ado, here are the remaining headlines in Dealer-published issues which have been pulled word-for-word from The Chicago Maroon, meaning we can no longer take credit for them:
- Op-Ed: The Top 200 Milfs in Porn, No Nuance
- Grey City: Why Big Mayo Won’t Make Mayochup
- Viewpoints: I Would Love To Have Sex
- From the Editor: Benedict Arnold Was Just Looking Out For Himself
- In Memoriam: Looking Back at the Best of George H.W. Bush
- In Memoriam: Looking Back at the Worst of FDR
- In Memoriam: Looking back at the Absolute Very Best of Dick Cheney (unpublished)
- Lil Yachty: Man or Myth?
- BREAKING: Heroic College Newspaper Leaks Identity of ‘Deep Throat,’ Mark Felt
- An Exploration of the Urethra
- Safety in the South Side: Why I Don’t Walk Past 56th Street
- A Case for the Death Penalty (Actually, Two)
- Opinion: Judas Did the Right Thing by Snitching
- 20 Original Dilbert Comic Strips (unpublished)
- What Dungeon Porn Can Teach Us about the Great Schism
- Grey City: The Stats Don’t Lie, but My Stepmom Does
- First-Years Addicted to Porn, Second-Years Addicted to Lean
- Study Shows ‘Purp Drank’ Responsible For My Court Conviction
We’d like to take this opportunity to again emphasize that The Chicago Maroon wrote every single one of these titles seriously and The Shady Dealer republished the headlines as satire.
- BREAKING: OJ Simpson Acquitted, Here’s Why I Think He Did It
- BREAKING: OJ Convicted, Here’s Why Justice Has Been Served (unpublished)
- There’s No Place Like Home — Life in Ithaca, New York
- HISTORICAL ISSUE: 1960s in Review: Jazz Isn’t That Good
- From Rags to Riches: How the Son of the Second Richest Man in the World Killed the Richest Man in the World
- Grey City: Why the Richest Boy in the World Is Also the Loneliest
- EXCLUSIVE: ‘Anonymous College Newspaper’ Leaks Location of Snowden
- Moonlight Review: It’s Just Okay
- La La Land Review: A Cinema Masterpiece
- La La Land Review Follow Up: The Story of the White Men Unafraid of Telling the TRUTH About Jazz
- Opinion: Why I HATE my Stepdad Derrick
- By Popular Demand: La La Land Review Part Three
- Zimmer Said WHAT? You Won’t Believe What Happened Next
- Scientists Hate Him: How This Undergrad Lost 30 Pounds in Two Weeks
- Brave Midwestern College Newspaper Leaks Clinton Emails, Asks People to Look Around and See if There’s Anything Good in There
- Horny Singles in Your Area
- Debunked: No Horny Singles in My Area
- Product Review: Dasani
- Were the Bigots Right? Reflecting on America Today
- Viewpoints: Where Have the Big Booty Puerto Rican Goddesses Gone and Why Aren’t They on Pornhub Anymore? Immigration in Trump’s America
- Area Man Loves the New Coldplay Album
- Love Wins: Sex Legalized
We thank you all for the opportunity to be honest and clear our consciences. We’d like to thank The Chicago Maroon as well for providing a wealth of hit headlines, which we again remind you are provided word for word above. We are now prepared for death, as we have presented our sins to God.
