The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences — the greatest Chicago thinkers to ever have existed. Here are the top four Chicago thinkers that have influenced The Chicago Thinker.
#4. The Ducks at Botany Pond
You may believe the ducks at Botany Pond aren’t very good thinkers. After all, they’re surveilled 24 hours a day by a livestream publicly broadcast on YouTube. However, these Orwellian conditions of constant surveillance guard something very precious: the ducks’ perfect thoughts.
Numerous passersby have reported whispers that sound suspiciously like the phrases “free market,” “Adam Smith,” and “really turns me on.” On another occasion, a duck was even heard lamenting about “the good old days when everything wasn’t so PC” and they could “say racial slurs without being labelled a bigot by SJW’s.”
#3. Karl Marx
This entry was a controversial one since Karl Marx has never set foot in Chicago. However, as the founding member of Marxy Marx and the Funky Bunch, Karl Marx has been instrumental in shaping the political beliefs of the Thinkers™ at The Chicago Thinker. Marx’s mild centrist beliefs regarding the bourgeoisie have given food-for-thought to those wishing to become good Chicago thinkers.
#2: Roger Ebert
Through his phenomenal film reviews, Roger Ebert demonstrated that he has what it takes to make the list for the greatest Chicago thinkers. Reading through some of his reviews, it becomes all the more clear how he influenced The Chicago Thinker’s team. After viewing Bridge of Spies in 2015, Ebert rewarded the movie with 3.5/5 stars and wrote “I liked how the Americans were the good guys and the communists were the bad guys.”
Before we unveil the number one pick, here are a few honourable mentions from our shortlist:
- Bernard Sanders
- Dean Boyer’s bicycle
- Whoever invented deep dish pizza
- That used tissue I saw on the sidewalk the other day
- Any goldfish, doesn’t matter which one
And now, it’s time to unveil the number one Chicago thinker.
#1: The Radical Leftist Mob
This one should come as no surprise to anyone. The radical leftist mob that definitely exists on college campuses nation-wide — the mob with its very real tendency to stifle free speech by censoring conservatives and their right to say the n-word, you know the one — is no doubt the number one Chicago thinker. Particularly in the UChicago community, where a paper like The Chicago Thinker isn’t even allowed to be published because of its conservative views, and we definitely don’t get emails from administrators about free speech every week, the completely non-fictional radical leftist mob has clearly shown it can outthink any other thinkers that may think they can outthink it. Indeed, it would require a special level of mental gymnastics to attempt to outthink the mob, which again is definitely real. The Chicago Thinker was founded in order to “outthink the mob” — a clear sign of the mob’s influence! If this totally unimaginary mob weren’t real, there would be no reason for The Chicago Thinker to exist. So it’s a good thing the mob does exist and is 100% real and not fake.