I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life

I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news story from the UK. Nigel Farage, European Parliament member and esteemed leader of the Brexit party, was struck by a milkshake in Newcastle. You vengeful leftist cuck-mmunist gremlins may think this is funny, but for me, a freedom-loving conservative man with a debilitating inability to digest dairy, this is life or death. Well, life or life with grotesque bowel problems, which is basically the same thing.

I was in tears when I saw the bold profile of MEP Farage coated in vanilla ice cream. “How could someone be so cruel as to ruin a perfectly good suit?” I thought, my hands shaking as I threw darts at a picture of dangerous radical Cory Booker. I texted the rest of my friends in College Republicans, pleading for them to join me in boycotting the violent socialist dollar shake sale this Wednesday, but they all seemed busy trying to deprive women of their bodily autonomy or something. I went to Twitter to warn my right-wing lactose-averse compatriots of the new danger the dairy-wielding left presents to us, but it was too late. There were memes about people “shaking” my personal heroes Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz, photoshopped images so vile and fat-enriched I had to take a Lactaid just to look at them.

I’m shocked at the left’s intolerance for lactose-intolerance. Do you understand what would happen if I, Chuddington Reaganomics Junkley IV, were hit with a milkshake? You might get your little lefty laughs in, but I would wipe the smug grin off your face by violently shitting myself almost immediately. You communists might not know how a red-blooded American man shits himself, so allow me to explain. Imagine pouring an entire crockpot of chili into a leaky garbage bag. Now imagine that bag is my pants, the chili is an anatomically improbable amount of my feces, and the stupid Democrat getting absolutely owned is you. So if you want to be the one to show that America is more divided and milk-loving than ever, be my guest, but my shit’s gonna be on your hands.