By Shady Dealer Halloween Task Force Oct. 31, 2018 Do you need a last minute creepy costume to spookify your jack-o-friends at the Halloween ghoul-bash? Don’t worry! The Shady Dealer has got you…

By The IOP Oct. 31, 2018   Hey you scum-sucking freedom-slut, I heard you hadn’t voted yet. Have you heard the news? This is AMERICA. People died and shit so you could take…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 31, 2018   Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The…

By Diego Mansplane Nov. 2, 2018 Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy…

By Patrick Sheehan Nov. 2, 2018 Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer,…

By Cameron Edgington Nov. 2, 2018   As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last…

By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players.  Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…

By Harry Weinstein Nov. 2, 2018 Claiming that he lives independently from social media these days, 39 year-old local resident Matt Dewey said it’s been “pretty freeing to just be here, in the…

By John Logan Buterbaugh Nov. 2, 2018 In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking…

By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. …