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Breaking: Pi Beta Phi Sacrifices Pledge in Satanic Arrowfest Ritual
By Nik Varley Jan. 27, 2017 Mandel Hall – 9:30 P.M. Following reports of screams, chaos, and general unrest at Mandel Hall, eyewitnesses have confirmed that the sisters of Pi Beta Phi began…
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Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely Fun
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…
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Pierre Curie’s Wife Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry
By Dan Lastres, Stockholm, 1911 Jan. 30, 2017 The wife of celebrated chemist Pierre Curie was awarded a Nobel Prize for her discovery of two elements: Polonium 209 and Radium 223. Though Pierre…
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Three Million Participate in Civil War Enactment
By Dan Lastres, Virginia 1865 Jan. 30, 2017 Millions of Americans laid down their weapons and made peace today after four years of enacting the Civil War’s greatest and deadliest battles. Participants flocked…
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Amazing! This Man Turns Water into Wine! But His Radical Politics are Raising Some Eyebrows
By Dan Lastres, Cana 25 C.E. Jan. 30, 2017 Cana, 25 AD- Jesus H. Christ, a Nazarene of Galilee, seems like your average carpenter. He dresses in open– toed sandals, plain robes, and…
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Bronze Dagger 6S Officially Revealed
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 At a bonfire gathering yesterday, a representative of Pomegranate Caravan unveiled the design for the new Bronze Dagger 6Ss. The gathering showed off the weapon’s new features:…
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President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends In the wake of a turbulent and unnerving transition of power, the newly-elected President Donald Trump…
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High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To Secede
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To SecedeFAUQUIER COUNTY, VA — In a landslide victory at Virginia’s Eastern View High School, local student Robert…
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Exclusive: The Negotiation Over the Wall
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…
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We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…
