By Danny Marcus and Daniel Markus April 5, 2016 Point: Help, I got “2100” on my STD test By Danny Marcus Excuse me,—does anyone know what it means to get a 2100 on…

By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…

By Nico Aldape April 20, 2016 IInspired by the proposedhow the federal government may move of marijuana from a Schedule I to Schedule II controlled substance, which would allow for further recreational use…

By Mary Vansuch March 3, 2016 Danny McDonald, areaa University of Chicago second– year undergraduate reported to be of “the whitest, upper class fashion”, was left fundamentally confused on Super Tuesday as to why…

By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2016 After an exhaustive search into the various quantitative measurements of local resident David “Big Dave” Smith, scientists from the University of Chicago have announced Tuesday they have…

By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2016 Following The University of Chicago Student Government’s majority decision to support the boycott, divest, and sanction resolution against Israel, President Barack Obama and the entire United States…

By Diane Zimmerman April 22, 2016 I am an ambitious young professional, and I think I could learn a lot from networking with you. I want to show you that I am an…

By Morgan Pantuck April 22, 2016 Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv…

By Katie Zellner April 23, 2016 “Seventeen, seh-seh-seventeen. SB seventeen twenty two.” Thus begins the song “Don’t Abort Her, Sir” from the trendy new musical penned by GOP lobbyist turned lyricist, Vernon White.…

By Teddy Zamborsky April 23, 2016 Last week, I convinced Domino’s Pizza to bake me into a giant pie. A pizza pie. Like tThe kind with cheese, not fruit. Look at the picture,.…