By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 BIRMINGHAM, 1898 – Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It’s no wonder they’re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it…

By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…

By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512 In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw…

By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…

By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In a statement released this morning, roommate Charles confirmed that the deep storehouse of grocery bags located under the kitchen sink is well-stocked and will remain so…

By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In what comes as surprising news for record executives and music critics alike, the young people of Sweden have not responded to the Swedish Beatles with the…

By Militides, son of Lycurgus/ The Pantheon Feb. 1, 2015 Prayer: The World is Flat. By Militides, son of Lycurgus Oh Lords of the earth and sky, dwellers of the shimmering heavens and…

By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 PARIS 1986 – A review of the Lumière brothers’ The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station Oh God oh Jesus oh no oh God everybody…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Feb. 1, 2015 In order to best serve the needs of the University of Chicago community, the Dealer has decided to publish weekly news briefs in addition to its…

By Egyptian Holy Council Feb. 1, 2015 1) My cat. 2) Your cat. 3) My mom’s cat. 4) Your mom’s cat. 5) Ricky’s cat. 6) That weird cat. 7) Seriously, all the cats.…