You Are All Adopted

By Shady Dealer Editorial Board

Jan. 10, 2015

At the moment we exit the womb, we enter into a pervasive societal delusion. The mothers who raise us and nurture us also claim to have been our incubators. Fathers who play catch with us purport to have seeded us with their very own seed. This is mass propaganda at its most insidious, and this editorial board is proud to wave a new banner of truth: every child is adopted.

Birth affects all of us. You can try to pretend that this issue doesn’t matter to you, but a human is born, ten times out of ten. We are just as universally affected by the powerful secretive agencies of adoption whose agents whisk us away from our birthing rooms as soon as the umbilical cord is cut.

Adoption industry shills like obstetricians, genealogists, and parents will protest that they possess evidence of that some children remain with the sex partners who conceived them.

They cite the basic resemblance between parent and child, but cannot account for the basic resemblance of Reese Witherspoon to Claire Danes, or of Cameron Diaz to Claire Danes. These kinds of patterns are numerous and irrefutable and point to only one truth: that all the babies get shuffled and distributed via some sort of bike courier service to interested parents.

Some details remain unclear, such as how parents are compensated for their cooperation, and whether distribution of adopted children is racially biased. We are glad to be able to bring this important topic into the national conversation, but there’s still room for investigation.

We can only hope that our federal government takes steps to rein in adoption. According to our numbers, with the concerted efforts of the Obama administration, we can curb adoptions to fewer than 92% of all baby-placements in the US by 2020. Maybe someday, when all this is over, we can meet our real families.