“Wait, That’s Where UChicago Is?” Exclaims Gleacher Center Student

By Thomas Noriega

Oct. 22, 2018

Economics M.A. Mathis Birman collapsed this week upon hearing that UChicago is actually on the South Side of Chicago, not nestled in the gleaming utopia of the Loop. 

Birman was exiting the Starbucks in the Gleacher Center, a University building sitting on the banks of the Chicago River, when he overheard business professor Josh Warburton joke about the commute to campus from Gleacher. Birman froze, a chill creeping up his spine as the professor mentioned parking off 55th street. Upon hearing that the business school was even further south than that, his hand, clutching a caramel latte, instinctively crushed the coffee. Even as the scalding liquid splashed against his skin, Birman was insensate, his now-pale frame shaking uncontrollably as his eyes rolled back into his head. The professor mentioned grabbing lunch on 63rd street, and Birman collapsed into unconsciousness.

Two hours later, Birman awoke in the hospital, dazed, but unhurt, attended by a few close friends. He immediately burst into tears, too stunned by the revelation that sent him into treatment. He then inquired where he was. Upon hearing he was in the general ward of the UChicago Hospital on 57th, he promptly fell into a coma.