University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” Program

By Christopher Walker

Feb. 6, 2017

This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very Ttall Lladders Pprogram.”.

“Given recent developments, we’ve come to the realization that there are going to be barriers for many of our students that we don’t have the institutional capacity to remove, so we’ve decided to provide students with the tools they need to overcome those barriers on their own,” said President Zimmer.

The new program includes a legal support program to help students who are at risk of discrimination by law enforcement, increased support for job and internship assistance for students who are not citizens, a swiss army knife, a quickly deployable “Make America Great Again” disguise, an actual ladder for “physical barriers,”, and an emergency jetpack, “just in case.”.