University rolls out new Douchebag program to broaden mainstream appeal and seek diversity
By Robin Ye and Zach Augustine
Jan. 3, 2013
In an effort to sustain the University’s historic increase in College admissions applications, administrators are working to add more programming, enhancing the Life of the Mind. Slated to start in time Fall Quarter 2013, the College has unveiled a new host of course offerings that satisfy a new minor degree program in coordination with the Committee on Douchebag Studies.
The degree program in Douchebag is intended to equip students with the necessary skills to bro it out and be that kid. The discipline of Douchebag encompasses a variety of substantial interests: alcohol consumption, short-hand linguistics, muscle-accentuating clothing, and booty call hookups. As stated in an excerpt prepared for the College Catalog, “The knowledge of Douche provides for the understanding of frat party relations and intoxicated social interactions necessary for students pursuing careers in professions such as international banking, Wall Street economic mishandling, law, politics, and business.” Employers have long voiced concerns that Chicago graduates did not have enough experience in these field compared with graduates of peer institutions like Harvard and Yale.
The University plans to expand curriculum offerings and even physical classroom spaces, holding classes for the interdisciplinary program in the Gerald Ratner Athletics Center. Said Dean of the College John Boyer, ”We are very pleased to offer yet another practical and innovative academic department dedicated to the understanding of the human experience.” Jim Nondorf, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid, explained, ”We needed more applications. It really came down to just that.” Senior Sociology professor Chad McDunchstein will serve as inaugural director of the Douchebag department, along with co-chairs Jack Kaufman and Lars I. Amaterribleperson.
Course offerings have not been finalized for next Autumn, but potential interdisciplinary classes include Core listings such as Classics of Alcoholic Thought, Self, Culture, Gym, Tan, Laundry and Identity, and Core Biology, as well as elective offerings in Analysis of Bitches and Hoes, Womanzing/Honors Womanizing, and Natural Hazards of the Female Body among others. In addition to two classes from the core and three elective courses, students must fulfill a weightlifting requirement and a two-quarter practicum designed to help students apply their experience out of the classroom. ”The two-quarter practicum may pose a threat to escalating ER visits. But hey, YOLO, right?” said President Bobby Zimmer. Asked for a statement, a spokesperson for the Student Care Center replied, via e-mail, “Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?”
The Douchebag program is just the tip of the broader plan to increase the overall appeal of the school. As applications continue rising yearly, there has been yet another shocking rise. Within the first three weeks of class, contraceptive requests at the Student Care Center rose by 478%. “We honestly were not expecting this. We did not budget for this amount of sex and condom coverage. Fuck.” said President Zimmer. In further efforts to increase application totals, Dean Nondorf suggested a possible name-brand pull: “UChicago condoms! If prospective students know students at this school are DTF, look for our acceptance rate to dip into the single digits. Suck it, Northwestern.”
So just why the sudden spike in sexual potency? As Department Chair Chad McDunchstein reasoned, ”Students at the University of Chicago are deeply committed to their studies. When we were better able to link the student experience of sex with the classroom, there was clear evidence that students were really immersing themselves in their studies.”
