University Librarian Tears into Pages

By Alexander Dunlap

Oct. 24, 2014

Newly appointed University Librarian Brenda Johnson launched a spirited attack on the pages of the University’s libraries today, calling them “spineless good-for-nothings incapable of recalling instructions for even the simplest errands,” such as cleaning Johnson’s armor or carrying her pen.

“Pages are bound by tradition to serve the University Librarian,” Johnson said. “Yet none of local chapter members showed up when I needed to hold a tournament. Not a single one of Pages 485–496 of Numerical Methods for Scientists and Engineers volunteered to scribe a missive to King Zimmer. They’re all checking each other out in their fancy jackets, but they can’t even cover for a security guard when he goes on break!”

Johnson pledged to catalogue all recent offenses, and to throw the book at any pages who wouldn’t shelve their stacks of excuses. “Maybe next week,” she said, “we can turn over a new leaf.”