University Announces Committee on Public Safety

By Teddy Zamborsky

Oct. 18, 2016

University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the University Committee on Public Safety to propose new procedures regarding disruptions to University functions and threats to the values of the University by “rabblerousers, hecklers, and Girondins.”.

This iteration of the Committee on Public Safety, to be jointly chaired by Law School Professor Randy Picker and Department of Romance Languages Professor Maximilien Robespierre, will be the third in the history of the University. The most recent previous one was formed in the 1970s to deal with the protests that plagued the University in the 1960s, while the original Committee on Public Safety was convened in 1793 to oust and guillotine internal enemies of the Republic.

When asked for comment, Professor Robespierre, who also led the 1793 version of the committee, responded that “wWe must smother the internal and external enemies of the University or perish with it; now in this situation, the first maxim of your policy ought to be to lead the people by free inquiry and the people’s enemies by terror.”. When asked the same question, Professor Picker tugged on his collar and muttered that he “should’ve taken that offer from Harvard Law three years ago.”.

Another member of the committee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, has detailed some of the proceedings of the first few meetings. During the meeting open to students, theour source said Professor Robespierre seemed so angry that he “almost lost his head” when listening to the concerns of students who were concerned that disciplining student protestors might “negatively affect the free speech and inquiry of the student protesters.”. At another meeting, this one committee only, Professor Robespierre angrily yelled that “bBy sealing our work with our blood, we may see at least the bright dawn of universal happiness” in response to another committee member implying that continuing to threaten protestorsdisruptors with expulsion two days before graduation might be more effective than guillotining students.