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Nov. 15, 2016
The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the nationstates have been “culturally and emotionally separated for years,” and while they have “tried to stay together for the youth of America, it’s clearly just not working out anymore.” The states cited “irreconcilable differences” in their decision to permanently split. The main function of the breakup is to allow for public policy decisions that best fit the cultural and economic needs and preferences of each region.
The seven new countries, which have all retained the governmental structure of the original United States, were self-determined and named by the collective judgments of the governors and congressional representatives of each state. These representatives have been charged with grouping themselves based on geography, cultural and political identity, and economic profile. The presidents of these new sovereign nationsstates have been determined by popular vote in each country following, the dissolution of the Electoral College having been disbanded.
The United States of the Atlantic is made up of Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, the District of Columbia, and coastal Virginia make up one of the new nations,. The states are united by theirits shared history dating back to the American Revolution. The President of the U.S.At. is Bernie Sanders of Vermont.
The United States of the Prairie is comprised of Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and North and South Dakota and united by its largely agricultural economy and widespread politeness. In a surprising turn of events, the President of the U.S.Pr. is Garrison Keillor. Analysts suggest that he appealed to the same populist sympathies as Donald Trump, but with the kindness and mild-mannered judgment characteristic of the Midwest.
Inland Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Arkansas, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and Florida form the new United States of Dixie, the representatives of which insist it has been brought together by shared heritage and values, none of which relate to intolerance of any kind. The President of the U.S.D. is Phil Robertson of the Louisiana Duck Dynasty.
The representatives from the United States of the Rockies, from Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, and rural Nevada, admit that their nationit is mostly brought together by geography. Still, it rejected the name, “the United States of Hufflepuff.” Word is still out on whether this new country will legalize polygamy in the coming months. The President of the U.S.R. is Jill Stein, a surprising choice given her prior Massachusetts residency. She has relocated to Denver since her election to high office.
The United States of Texas is made up of Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. The representatives from Texas, outnumbering those from Arizona and New Mexico, carried the vote to name this new nation, which cites “Texas” as itsa unifying feature. The President of the U.S.T. is Greg Abbott, previously the governor of Texas.
The United States of the Pacific, comprised of Washington, Oregon, California, and Hawaii, is characterized by its political unity and passion for water sports and trees. The U.S.Pa. has elected Oprah Winfrey as President, for obvious reasons.
The United State of Alaska, formerly the state of Alaska, has chosen Sarah Palin as their new commander in chief. For reasons that are as of yet unclear, roughly 38% of Alaska’s residents have left the new country for either Canada or another American country.
While there are some mass migrations expected between the nations in the coming months and years, day-to-day life is not expected to be drastically different for the majority of Americans. The governments of these new nations came together on November 15 to decide the nature of their relations going forward, and it was concluded that the United States of America would live on as a loosely defined economic union, much like the European Union, so as not to disrupt the economy of the citizenry and to ensure stability going forward. All seven countries will continue to use the U.S. Dollar and in the event of military engagement, they will band together as a Seven Nation Army.
