The University of Chicago Systematically Discriminates Against the Moronic

By Juan Caicedo

Feb. 19, 2016

Western society already trails a long litany of discrimination behind it, including racism, homophobia, and misogyny. But so far one form of discrimination has been left out: discrimination against the moronic.

“Whatsoever could you mean?” you might ask, setting down your copy of The Critique of Pure Reason, perhaps upsetting that Boolean proof that just hasn’t quite come together yet. But it’s true. For a country that prides itself on equality of opportunity, we disenfranchise our morons at every level, not the least in our university system.

Consider: almost every American university, the University of Chicago included, requires its applicants to send in standardized test scores, which have been positively correlated with intelligence. A long-range study by the Pew Research Center found that universities systematically use this information to discriminate against those with lower scores. It gets worse, though, because while this only discriminates against the stupid, the specific subset of morons is attacked by the requirement for application essays.

“Of course I use these essays to weed out morons; why the hell wouldn’t I?” admitted an application reviewer at UChicago who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “If I read an essay clearly written by a moron, I reject it,” she confessed. The reviewer noted that common signs of a moronic essay include the absence of any punctuation, “alarming” phrases like, “s/o 2 tha h8rs who inspire me 2 gr8ness [fire emoji] [sic],” and theses relating to the awesomeness of the applicant’s karate moves.

Discrimination goes much further than simply the application process—it is woven into campus life. Numerous students on campus have noted the reverence with which faculty refer to intelligence. “Our Latin prof said he always hopes for a smart class,” says self-identified moron and first-year Daniel Chavez. “But what if he’d said that about being white? Think about it. It’s literally like I’m a black person.” [Ed. note: to our knowledge, Mr. Chavez does not identify as African American]

The University of Chicago has even enshrined its fetishism for the intelligent in its motto, “Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched,” a statement that inherently privileges knowing things over not knowing things, and thus clearly prejudiced against people who know less. It is clear that until legislation is passed banning discrimination against morons, America’s most plentiful minority will continue to be abused on our campuses.