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Jan. 11, 2016
Employees of the office of career advancement were surprised this Thursday when their Taking the Next Step seminar devolved into an all– out fuckfest. Students, faculty, and alumni and faculty arrived at the event expecting to assess career opportunities, and network, but the event quickly morphed into an intense, anything-goes orgy.
“I really didn’t expect anything sexual at all to happen” said third year student John Dallas. “I only thought that we were going to take some notes and talk about what we would do once we graduated. I had no idea that I was going to be having vigorous sex with multiple partners sex with multiple potential mentors inon the ballroom of the Chicago Marriottfloor!”
How the evening changed from a chaste examination of internship prospects to a mass orgy was not clear to eye witnesses. “I honestly have no idea how it happened,” said Tim Collins, who organized the event,. “One minute, we were all watching the presentation on how to use Hhandshake, and the next minute, everyone was tearing each other’s clothes off in a grand guignol of lust. I couldn’t believe my eyes.”
Organizers initially hoped that the transition from lunch in the ballroom to breakout seminars in groups dedicated to specific fields would get the event back on track and away from nonstop group sex. But they were immediately dissapointed when panel leaders concurrently and universally used their opening remarks to reject “bourgeois Judeo-christian sexual mores” and declare the seminars “inhibition free zones.”
“I don’t think there was any clear impetus,” said Career Advancementfaculty advisorcounselormember Antonia Green. “It was like everyone simultaneously agreed that instead of learning about the hundreds of internships available through the Metcalf program, they were going to start sucking, fucking and fondling each other as hard and fast they could. We tried to stop them, but they just kept right on going.”
“After a while, all the faculty staff just left,” continued Antonia,. “We figured they were just going to do their thing, and we would send in sanitation to wipe everything down after they’d finished. I really hope they got something out ofto the seminar before they all started having sex with each other; I put a lot of time into that powerpoint.”
Sources at the office of career advancement reported that this was the first time that any of their career advancement seminars turned into group sex. “No one in my house told me that anything like this was going to happen,.” said second year Taking the Next Step attendee Lacy Pascal,. “I thought it was going to be pretty boring. It was not boring.”
As of press time, a record number of students have already RSVP’d for the next year’s Taking the Next Step event, whose Facebook event page promises a “fun and informative time.”
