Study: Over 85% of IM Frisbee Participants Have No Idea What’s Going On

By Zach Augustine

June 2, 2013

HYDE PARK—Recent studies suggest that over three-quarters of participants in Coed Intramural Frisbee Leagues “don’t even know how to throw”. Multiple firstyear girls, coerced to play in the weekly games in order to reach the gender quota, reported that they were directed to blindly shout “STALL ONE” whenever the other team touched the disc.

“Most teams just give it to the kid who plays for the college and then cherry pick, you know?” noted firstyear Brennan King of Booth House, “It’s just disgraceful to watch an hour of this.” Sources later confirmed that the vast majority of successful plays did indeed occur between “that kid who plays for the college” and “our Resident Head shamelessly reliving his glory days”.

The University’s immense focus on quality extracurricular programs has been cited as a sharp increase in Frisbee participants. Is this finally the tipping point in shifting the campus image of sports?

The Shady Dealer spoke with an undefeated Frisbee team captain at [redacted] to get his insider perspective. “With the Spring season well underway and the Ex Libris-Maclean Quarter Final rematch rapidly approaching it’s often easy to forget how much of campus is not enthralled by our fantastic sports programming,” the anonymous male said as he slammed PBR poured from his dripping UChicago Ultimate disc, deftly wiping foamy residue off his chin with the glistening fibers of a bro-tank. “The Maroon’s well-written but controversial editorial ‘Frisbee Match Prompts a Conversation Regarding Our University’s Core Values’ made me aware of the fact that some people view this fine establishment as much more than an excuse to ‘throw disc’, ‘dump’, or ‘hammer-throw that bitch’ on the daily—please excuse my industry jargon. It is both surprising and deeply disturbing to me that the vast majority of athletes here prioritize academics over a trip to Jericho—which, I’d like to add, has over 30 five-star reviews on Yelp for its cleanliness and homey atmosphere,” he added with beautiful diction over the roar of Ke$ha’s “Blah Blah Blah” reverberating with surprising clarity off of the crumbling, unkempt brickwork.

At the time of publication, the Ex Libris-Maclean Quarter Final had reportedly been postponed abruptly when a struggling first year mistakenly threw the disc into oncoming traffic on the Midway. “Oh shit,” sources added.