State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap
Jan. 3, 2013
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by the Obama Administration. The cause of death was reported as alcohol poisoning.
Chu had been away from Washington, D.C. in his role as designated survivor during President Obama’s State of the Union address. His role was to remain safe in case of a nuclear or other attack on the United States Capitol, ensuring the continuity of government and initiating a counterattack should such action be necessary.
Hospital records obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer indicate that at the time of his death, Chu’s blood alcohol concentration was a shocking 0.58%.. A statement released by the Secret Service, which were responsible for Chu’s protection during the President’s address, spoke only to the tragic nature of Chu’s death and did not give details regarding the circumstances of the accident. However, Evan, one such agent who asked that his last name not be used because he was not authorized to speak on the issue, reported that upon meeting Chu at 6:37pm, he handed him a printout from”some website” entitled 2013 State of the Union Drinking Game. Evan furthermore recalled winking and telling the Secretary, ”Yeah, Steven, this is the best night of the year in the Secret Service. No responsibilities, no threats, no nothing. If you want to join us, we’ll be downstairs, and we’ve got plenty of stuff to go around.”
Thomas, the Secret Service agent responsible for carrying the go-codes which Chu could use to order an immediate counterattack against an adversary in the event of Obama’s death or incapacitation reported that Chu joined him, Evan, and several other Secret Service members in their drinking game at approximately 8:13pm, shortly after the start of Obamas speech. Evan and Thomas both recalled that Chu had been quite good at the game, which called for taking a drink every time Obama’s speech included the words jobs, healtcare, or community college. Additionally, players were required to finish their drink whenever Obama uttered the phrase, ”Dammit Congress, can’t you just work with me here?”
A third Secret Service agent, George, had been appointed the designated survivor’s designated driver and was watching Obamas speech in a separate room. George recalled, “At about ninethirty I left the TV for a couple of minutes to see how they all were doing.” When I saw [Chu] and Evan and Thomas passed out on the couch I called the ambulance. Sources report that, at the time of George’s 911 call, Obama had mentioned community colleges seventy-eight times, health-care 113 times, and jobs approximately 1,390 times. George noted that on at least one occasion he had heard cries for all players to finish their drinks.
According to a source at the hospital where the incapacitated victims were eventually declared dead, Chu’s last words were reported to be, ”They told me that anyone with a pulse could do this job tonight!”
