Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real

By Morgan Pantuck

Dec. 24, 2013

Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the Standard Model of Physical Exertion and makes everything really, really annoying and hard to do. Scientists detected the so-called “Grog Particle” by attempting to accelerate high-energy protons, and then realizing that shit is just too difficult.

“Ain’t nobody got time for that,” explained Dr. Francois Englert, as he yawned and slouched over in a way that accentuated his large, protuberant stomach. “I was like, ugh, we’ve been trying for 40 fucking years already. I’m just so done. You feel me?”

“But then,” he continued, half-heartedly reaching across his desk for a bag of Doritos, “That’s when I realized: Wait. The Struggle. It’s too real right now. There’s no way this is just a statistical fluke.”

“It was just too real,” he added, emphatically. “Seriously. You don’t even know.”

Scientists detected the Struggle using the $10 billion Large Hadron Collider, a monumental feat of human engineering and a real bitch to assemble. The machine generated hundreds of petabytes of data, which scientists glumly stared at for six to ten minutes before rubbing their temples and taking a coffee break.

The Struggle explains multiple scientific phenomena, such as why the gravitational force is so weak, yet you still can’t get up from the floor to finish your chem p-set. It also sheds light on the nature of dark matter, as well as why-does-it-even matter.

Peter Struggle and Francois Englert are expected to win the 2013 Nobeleagured Prize in physics for their discovery.