Romney claims he built his own teeth

By Mark Boykin

Oct. 22, 2012

At a campaign stop in St. Paul, Minnesota, yesterday, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney launched into dental rhetoric in the middle of a speech on campaign finance.

In response to a question about tax reform, Governor Romney grew visibly confused and agitated, then exclaimed, “I have all four of my wisdom teeth! How many does Obama have? Does Obama even have teeth? I don’t know, do you!?” He then smiled extremely widely, showing all thirty-two of his chompers, and said, “I BUILT MY OWN TEETH, AMERICA!”, to ecstatic applause and chants of “HE BUILT HIS TEETH!” from the mostly Republican crowd. Campaign analysts predict this event will give Governor Romney a 2% bump in the polls, as dental advocacy groups applaud the Governor’s focus on oral hygiene, and the American Dental Association officially voices its support of Romney.

Dr. Sandy Glover, the Romney’s family dentist, told the Shady Dealer that Mitt’s mouth was a joy to work in, and that, in particular, his flossing habits were immaculate. “Do you know how many people floss?” Dr. Glover said in hushed, reverent tones. “Zero. I don’t even floss; I have far too much work to bother with some finicky string. And that’s the response we dentists usually get when we ask our patients: ‘I’m much too busy to floss’. But I guess Mitt really does put his dental health above his job and work.”

The Obama administration declined to comment on the President’s current oral situation and dental care, but an official speaking on the condition of anonymity told the Dealer that “gray hairs weren’t the only thing falling out of the President’s head”.