RH’s Kid Knows What You Did

By Chris Deakin

Aug. 4, 2014

RH’s Child Knows What You Did

With Orientation Week in its second day, sources close to Resident Heads George and Patty Finch of Janotta House can confirm that their daughter Janie, 6, knows exactly what you did. Though she is only a child and met you very briefly, sources report that she is fully aware of your first night’s every detail.

“I may not understand the exact significance of your decisions and actions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t read your face, your posture, and your smells,” Janie elaborated over a delicious dining-hall breakfast of waffles and yogurt. She proceeded to brush her braids out of her eyes and color a startlingly accurate depiction of your recent shame-filled evening. “I have trouble staying inside the lines, but I can convey pretty easily where you imbibed what and for how long.” In her diagram of what you did, Janie favored the Crayola color “fuzzy wuzzy.”

Janie’s parents, respected Resident Heads in the College Housing system, were reached for comment on the bus to Janotta’s first house trip. “Oh, yes, this happens most years. At any given moment, Janie is holding three or four of your secrets, which she will carry with her to her second-grade classroom, to the playground for recess, and on this trip right now. If you happen to meet her gaze tonight in between bites of delicious Giordano’s deepdish pizza, you should be aware that the glimmer of knowledge in her eyes is not illusion. She really does know.”

When asked whether she’ll capitalize on the leverage she now has over you, Janie was forthright. “I have no intention to blackmail anyone. I bear you no ill will. What you did, that’s between me and you, and my close confidant Mr. Elephant.”

But after this reporter read her Goodnight Moon and tucked her in, Janie did offer this warning: “Be careful. Mr. Elephant never forgets. And neither do I.”