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Feb. 8, 2016
Researchers at CERN were thrilled to announce this morning that they have confirmed the existence of an entirely new bowl. The discovery was made using CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, which reportedly confirmed the existence of the new bowl last week. The newly discovered bowl, deemed the “Hyperbowl”,, had been predicted by football theorists for decades, but has never been backed up by experimental data until now.
“This is an incredibly exciting day for football scholars everywhere,” said CERN researcher Julien Gerster,. “The discovery of the Hyperbowl validates many of the core tenets of the standard model of professional football. If the Hyperbowl couldn’t be foundwas found not were to be found not to exist, we would likely have to rethink most of our modern football models.”
The discovery of the Hyperbowl is a major accomplishment for CERN, and could lead to future bowl discoveries. The LHC has already confirmed the existence of several minor bowls, including the Sun Bowl and the Liberty Bowl, but scientists are quick to point out that there is still much work to be done.
“Everybody knows about the major bowls, like the Super Bowl and the Rose Bowl,” said CERN director Fabiola Gianotti,. “But what many people don’t realize is that current models predict dozens, if not hundreds of new bowls that are waiting to be discovered. The Minimal Supersymmetric Standard Model of American Sports suggests that there as many as a thousand undiscovered bowls out there, so it’s fair to say that there is still much to be done.”
Supersymmetric Football Theory, which predicts that every bowl has a symmetrical correspondent of equal viewership and ad revenue, is still highly theoretical and hotly debated by football theorists. Critics of the theory are quick to point out the lack of empirical evidence, and the theory’s inability to explain many of football’s many unanswered questions.
“Discovering the Hyperbowl is certainly a big deal,” said MIT Professor Edward Farhi,. “But iIt is still not enough to completely validate the idea of supersymmetric football. The theory doesn’t even come close to explaining NCAA-NFL entanglement, linebacker interference, or the reason that the current Super Bowl number isn’t in roman numerals. Until supersymmetry can address these natural phenomena, we just can’t take it seriously as a theory.”
Despite criticisms, the scientific community agrees that the discovery of the Hyperbowl will prompt exploration into numerous new aspects of sports science. Already, researchers at CERN are investigating the Hyperbowl’s advertisement quality, half time show artist, and as a potential for causingcausepotential effect ofn theoretical chicken wing consumptionrepeated traumatic brain injuries.
