President Skintaker-9000 promises an era of lower taxes, welfare reform and less skin.

By Noah Lemelson (year 2116)

Jan. 22, 2014

Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first took office four Earth-years ago, crime was rampant in the Eastern District, Soma use was skyrocketing, and the American people had an unacceptable excess of skin. Now, four years later, crime, drug use and skin-having have hit an all-time low. As I promised during my campaign, for these next four years, I shall focus on freeing the middle class from the interconnected burdens of excessive taxes, mismanaged government and their epidermis.”

The artificial sun gleaming off his plutnamium shell, President Skintaker-9000 went on to slam critics of his policies. “Many on the other side of the aisle have questioned my motives in reducing taxes and skin. They make ridiculous claims: that I have been influenced by corporate interests, or that I use the skin of children to power fusion reactors. I want to take this time to look these people in the eyes or antennae and say, I have never, ever, let corporate lobbyists affect even one of my decisions in office!”

Many wonder if this aggressive political demeanor will prove successful in what appears to be one of most divided Congresses of this century. Skintaker-9000 no doubt hopes to enact real political change on the wave of popular support, but some predict that in this political environment, Skintaker-9000 is more likely to become a lame space duck president. Analysts attribute Skintaker-9000’s surprising electoral success to his ability to connect with the Xlanoid demographic, who overwhelmingly support Skintaker’s views on family values, traditional marriage and removal of skin.