Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School

By Kelly Keough

Nov. 9, 2013

A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping at school, a shocking 15 percent of whom say they refuse to poop at all. “Honestly, we’re very concerned,” said Karen Warren Coleman, Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services. “These numbers should have come way down by this point in the school year. I mean, it’s been seven weeks!” Initial jitters about relieving one’s self so far from the safety and comfort of home are to be expected, but this year’s statistics have come as a surprise. “This is not a sustainable situation. We don’t have all the information yet, but we can assume these fears are wreaking havoc on the social, sexual, and academic lives of these students. All of us here at Campus and Student Life are doing our very best to tackle this problem,” Coleman added.

Administrators claim they plan to introduce workshops to help address this concern, and even try to bring speakers to campus to facilitate open discussion and dialogue. “Right now, we’re actually talking to Taro Gomi, author of the critically-acclaimed Everyone Poops, about coming to campus in December,” Coleman said. The Vice President also mentioned the possibility of outfitting public restrooms on campus with “a soothing jungle cricket soundtrack, you know, to create a pleasant ambiance, one that’s more conducive to pooping.” Campus and Student Life also plans to host peer support groups. “We really want students to accept that pooping at school is a crucial and necessary element of life in the UChicago community. And we want them to know, more than anything, that we’re there for them.”