Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us

By Ella Hester

May 25, 2018

Dear Bill Gates,

Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just like us for who we are! We do, however, feel the need to inform you that there is another Hyde Park institution worthy of your support: The Chicago Shady Dealer. 

When we first heard the clang of one thousand (?) piggy banks ringing out, we immediately knew you were currently moving cross-country and we thought, hey, it’s our time to get a piece of the pie! Perhaps a yacht, or a castle to match the Harvard Lampoon’s old fashioned, culty aesthetic–don’t worry, we’d swap out the hazing for an exclusionary moat. 

But then, our minds turned towards the practical. We dug deep into our souls and asked ourselves, what do we really need? And we realized that we want nothing more than to spend the rest of our days writing our articles in the dark corner of a dark room with no hope of our work or our selves seeing the light of day. All we need to accomplish this is a regenerative form of income, and that’s where you come in. 

We don’t need a fancy trust fund, just one with a lot of money. Like a whole bunch. Lots of dough. Moolah. Cash. Coinage. Greenbacks. Loot. Gravy. We’re sure you’ve heard it all. You are well versed in the world of money, but sadly, we are not. 

Thank you for considering the position of our collective benefactor. And if you decide not to be our savior, could you put in a good word with the kind people who gave us only 2/3 of our proposed budget this year? We patiently await your response.