Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection

By Clarence Burrough

May 25, 2018

The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of which were unidentifiable smells that “must have been something real nasty we just couldn’t find.” The residents were told to correct the violations before a surprise re-inspection in the weeks to come.

This inspection came just a few weeks after Bartlett Dining hall failed a surprise health inspection. Despite the failure, meal plan holders were impressed by the haste with which Bon Appétit and Facilities Services got the building back up to par. It even inspired third year Brian Polder’s scheme to force his unreasonably filthy roommates into action by similar means.

Polder, who told the Dealer off-the-record that he arranged the “health inspection” as a last ditch effort to get his roommates to “Get their shit together.” His plotting paid off, as his roommates had the apartment spotless by the following morning. 

The person Polder paid off to impersonate a health inspector could not be reached for comment. Polder assured the Dealer that the legal penalties for impersonating a health inspector are minimal.

“It was a lot of work and it involved a fair bit of dishonesty, but I don’t regret a thing,” said Polder, barefoot in his own home for the first time since last fall. “It worked so well that I may even begin offering it as a service to harried parents and responsible roommates whose house-mates need extra motivation.”

Brian added that, like Jeremy Bentham’s Panopticon, the “health inspector” need not visit very frequently in order to maintain cleanliness and organizational discipline, but just frequently enough to imply unceasing observation.