News in Brief: November 20, 2014

By Chicago Shady Dealer

Nov. 20, 2014

Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery

Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a complicated micropenis correction surgery.

“Normally the procedure is very simple, but this is one of the worst cases we’ve ever seen,” the commander’s doctor said.

The commander’s father told the Dealer in an email statement that he hopes that, following the surgery, his son will gain the confidence to form meaningful, lasting friendships, and realize that all people are unique and valuable.

“It’s always sad when young people let a micropenis lead them into a life of vitriol, resentment, racism, misogyny, homophobia, and rape-apologism,” he said.

Campus Wi-Fi Too Strong

According to reports from numerous UChicago students, the campus Wi-Fi signal is just too strong for most phones, tablets, and laptops.

“I was eating the delicious food provided at Bartlett Dining Hall, and when I tried to check my fantasy football team’s score, the internet worked so fast that my phone short-circuited,” first-year Jacob Kahn complained to the Dealer. Kahn was not alone in his displeasure with the powerful Wi-Fi connection.

Second-year Lizzie Baetz told the Dealer, “I was deeply engaged with my Sosc reading that when I made the mistake of searching on my brand new MacBook for additional texts to supplement my learning, suddenly, the screen went black. Now how am I supposed to read the Maroon online?”

Sources say that most students experience this problem with overly strong Wi-Fi either while looking at pictures of what they described as “the extremely attractive UChicago student body” or writing thank-you letters to the financial aid office for their extremely generous contributions.

Air Traffic Controllers Introduce New “Negative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative” Policy

Air traffic control towers around the nation saw a new wave of posters go up last weekend as the National Air Traffic Controllers Association (NATCA) began implementing its new “Negative Means Negative, and Only Affirmative Means Affirmative” policy.

The policy clarifies the meaning of “negative” and “affirmative” in air traffic control communication, indicating that the phrase “negative” should be interpreted to mean the negation of the previous statement, and only the phrase “affirmative” should be interpreted to mean the affirmation of the previous statement.

“Sometimes when I asked for clearance for takeoff and the controller said ‘negative,’ I was confused and thought he meant ‘affirmative,’” said veteran United Airlines pilot Richard Shovelworth. “Now I know that it means that I must not take off, and that I ought only to take off when the controller explicitly tells me I may do so,” he explained.

Detractors of the new policy focused on the “loss of tradition” involved in requiring that pilot and air traffic controllers use “affirmative” and “negative” in accordance with their meanings. “Where’s the fun in flying without a bit of risk of a mid-air collision because you did a maneuver even when the controller said ‘negative’?” asked private pilot Sandy Ferguson.

Despite opponents’ efforts, support for the policy remained strong. Indeed, at press time, “negative” still meant “negative,” and only “affirmative” meant “affirmative.”