News in Brief: November 13, 2014

By Chicago Shady Dealer

Nov. 19, 2014

Times Editor Seeks Ways to Maintain National Interest in School Shooting

Sources close to the paper reported Friday that New York Times editor Dean Baquet was struggling to make the death of Andrew Fryman, the fifth casualty of the Washington school shooting, “engaging” for his audience.

According to his secretary, Martin Foster, Baquet stayed up “all night” deciding whether readers would be more engaged by the story of the quintuple homicide committed by the fourteen-year-old’s classmate if it were accompanied by a photo of Fryman in a letterman jacket or one of him at his eighth-grade graduation.

“Dean bolted out of his office at four a.m., asking for an info-graphic that could sum up [the victim’s] two week hospitalization,” Foster confirmed. “Apparently people love info-graphics.”

Hillary Clinton Named New Delta Tau Delta Sweetheart

According to sources close to Delta Tau Delta, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been chosen as the newest Delta Tau Delta Sweetheart.

“We are very excited to add Hill to our lineup of ladies. We feel that her experience as First Lady will help us make rush sick this year,” the chapter’s president added.

A source from Secretary Clinton’s staff, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Dealer, “This journey began almost immediately after Secretary Clinton’s resignation. She felt that her experience mediating international conflicts could really be of use while navigating the complex world of Pan-Hellenic relations at UChicago. So she put together an exploratory committee, and here we are.”

The source also said that Mrs. Clinton was currently searching for her best pair of “fuck me” heels.

More as this story of dreams develops.

Researchers Seek to Understand What is Wrong With Loretta Lynch

Researchers across the nation have been awarded over three million dollars in grant money to identify the reason that Loretta E. Lynch is totally unfit to be the next Attorney General, Congressional Research Service officials announced last week.

“Discovering the damning skeleton in Lynch’s closet is one of the major unsolved problems of modern political science,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, at a press conference. “Moreover, the nature of her major character flaw or embarrassing past incidents will have sweeping consequences in both theoretical and applied obstructionism, not to mention in the sound bites I’ll utter during her confirmation hearings.”

Experts agreed that the task set by the CRS was a challenging and worthy problem for the political science community.

“Previous Obama nominees have been obvious partisan hacks, or have clearly expressed views in concordance with Obama’s terrible policies, or have been nominated to lead agencies that shouldn’t even exist,” noted UChicago political scientist William Howell. “But Loretta Lynch—her flaw has so far resisted identification by even the best of the best. A grad student who solved this one would get a Ph.D. on the spot.”

In response to news that some of the research funds had been awarded to UChicago professors, Provost Eric D. Isaacs said in a statement, “The University of Chicago is proud to be part of the nationwide quest to isolate the flaw in Loretta Lynch, and we hope that our values of rigorous inquiry and free expression will robustly contribute to this important project.”