Maroon Dollar inflation on par with Zimbabwe’s

By Maya Handa

Feb. 27, 2013

The value of the Maroon dollar has inflated by 5000 percent after the most recent closing of the Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons prompted the university to recklessly introduce thousands more dollars into circulation, causing widespread panic and rioting. This most recent incident is one in a new tradition embraced by University administrators desperate to compensate students for dining hall closures, exploding plumbing, and other blunders while maintaining a strict policy of resisting the urge to fix the physical problems.

Students, faced with the prospect of having to walk all the way across campus for a meal, flooded Midway Mart with the excess cash, causing Midway Mart employees to raise the price of a bag of Skittles to 12 dollars and the value of a 6-inch Subway sandwich to 32 dollars.

When demand for snacks still increased, Midway Mart employees barricaded themselves behind the glass of the Subway counter, causing students to throw large rocks and Gen Chem textbooks at the glass while screaming about their basic right to sustenance.

“I’m pretty sure Locke wrote a treatise about my unalienable freedom to gorge myself on a Subway sandwich, Sour Patch Kids, and twelve string cheeses from Midway Mart,” first year Sachin Natesh complained.

While most residents of South Campus have stoically found alternate sources of nutrition by pillaging the study breaks of different houses, Burton-Judson residents have reacted viciously, organizing protests and plotting the assassination of the CEO of Aramark.

“We’re going to occupy Midway Mart until they give us what we want—gummy worms and chocolate milk for everyone!” Burton-Judson resident and freedom fighter Drew Donaldson said.

The bursar’s office said it would address the inflation issue by raising tuition, for reasons incomprehensible to everyone who is not Robert Mugabe.