Low Self-Esteem Developing Tolerance to Paltry Facebook Notifications

By Dan Lastres

March 1, 2015

First-year Phillip Bartecki reported Tuesday that the low-quality Facebook notifications he receives no longer lift his spirits the way they used to.

“Birthday notifications from old high-school acquaintances and invitations to events I won’t go to just don’t do it for me any more,” said Phillip, who now receives more alerts than he ever has in the past. These alerts, Bartecki claims, have never been more hollow and meaningless.

“I used to like getting alerts from Facebook; it’s always nice feeling the vibration in your pocket, taking out your phone, and seeing a brightly colored red circle, reminding you that you matter in someone else’s life,” he said. Phillip claimed he’d even tried lowering his standards by getting excited about comments on posts he’d liked—but nothing worked.

Lisa Montoban, a University of Chicago sociologist, believes there is a scientific explanation for what Phillip is experiencing. “He is just now becoming aware of the fact that all social media is predicated on the notion that other people give two shits; if he doesn’t care about what other people are doing, that means they feel the same way about him.”

At press time, The Dealer can confirm that Bartecki is no longer checking his phone right away when it goes off.